my Mom is in the hospital, having had her taken there by ambulance a couple of days ago. She’s very weak, in a lot of pain. The doctors, so far, have not given a reason for her illness. Tests, blood work, an IV for fluids, a liquid diet…still, no answer.

She’s not young, at age 71, but she’s also not ancient. And she’s never been this ill before. I’ve never seen my ultra-strong Mom be in such a weak state. Its totally shocking and eye-opening. Do we all end our lives in that weakness? Can we only go out with a whimper? Never with a bang?

It makes me want to scream. The bad memories of what Ray went through. The way the doctors breezed in and out with scant information. As if the patient is some vague issue on a chart. Days go by without any answers as to why the patient is even sick. And you have to bulldoze your way with questions and watch their eyes glaze over with frustration that you even bothered to ask. The only doctor that had kind eyes was the hospice doctor who watched over my husband. He even knew it would be 3 days before he died. I can’t express the gratefulness I feel towards his kindness. It was a gift unseen in a morass of pain and sorrow.

Am I going to lose my Mother? What a horrid question……bringing with it every moment of deepest love for her and every moment we were ever in conflict. Hell, am I the daughter she envisioned? Maybe. Sometimes. Now and then. Am I a disappointment to her? The same answers. And this makes me wonder about my own relationship with my daughter. What am I passing on?

I find myself stepping in to take care of the 30+ cats, the 2 dogs, the 2 horses, the 2 birds, the fish out in the pond; cleaning up cat/dog hair, doing the dishes, watering the plants, stuff my Mom took care of daily even when I helped her.

Maybe my life was only for the purpose of being my Mom’s shadow, her aid in times of trouble, the one who truly looked out for her. What we’ve been through together is lovely, is harsh, is a truth of mothers and daughters raised to some crazy level of understanding and connection. Not even my siblings can ever understand it. They weren’t there, or didn’t SEE, or had no clue.

I’m going up to the hospital this eve to see her. I hate it. Hate seeing her so ill. Hate that she’s in pain. And I want to make it all better. Have my fullest, clearest, purest Mom back. And I don’t even know, at this point in time, if that is possible.

Such is this world. Such is this life. Our lives. I was totally angry about Ray’s illness. Hated God, the world, everything for his death. But I want to move into peace. Some small peace. Where I don’t wake up in tears. And I can still smile. Smile for all the love I feel for everything, for my Mom, for my husband, for simple things of deep meaning.

I want to forgive….I want to be at peace. Nothing unobtainable. Just listening to that still point at my center. None of this was real. There is no true death. And the Light of each Soul is eternal. Even my own.

I’m not going to sink into sorrow. Nor shed tears tonight. Not tonight. Though perhaps another moment in time. I’m going to smile and remember each true moment of Love with my Mother. Each moment of grace, each moment I was truly blessed to have her in my life. I won’t even worry about her illness or what may happen with it.

Right now, we’re together, and whole, and wholly loving each other….

Daphne Cochran-Shapiro is an Author & Poet, Designer & Crafter, and Entrepreneur. I invite you to browse and share your comments on my works!

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